We LeT aLL thEse mOmeNts pAss uS bY

BOM name??

2012-01-08T20:26:00.001-08:00

AUNT NANNON...again to another beautiful girl.

She was so tiny! I was the first to hold her...well after the grandparents. Then me. My sister Desi & her husband Tony were like...are you going to be the first to hold her? Go hold her before anyone else. I tried, but my mom is CRAZY about Alma. We love love ALMA, not just the book.

She came. The little angel from Heaven. ALMA WINTER. arrived on December 20, 2011. I waited until 3 AM for her to come. She is pretty. She's darker & has more hair than when my other niece Alexia was born. My duties of being an AUNT never ends....

Mylifewouldsuckwithoutyou

2011-12-04T16:19:00.001-08:00

SISTER WHITNEY IOSUA

IS HOME finally!!! 6 LONG weeks of no phone calls was barely bearable. I don't know how I survived without my SOUTH DAKOTA MISSION MOMMY. Flashbacks to: Nights of balling my eyes out over a UPM boy & burning letters together. Luckily we didn't burn down our apt. just burned bridges. There was nothing we couldn't do. We had our first 2 baptisms in Casper & we both found our first DL crushes in Casper. In more ways than one; she has proven herself worthy to be called my sister & friend. We hit it off the first night I arrived. Totally unaware of my mission experience we had so much more in common than our 4 months of service & love for hello kitty. We both LOVED LOVED Dr. Pepper & bonded drinking caffeine. (something you can't do in the UPM). I knew this mission was right for me at that moment. A CHOKE-A-HOE sister forever. ON December 8, 2011; I arrived at SLC airport to meet my friend flying home to California to become Whit again. The only thing I wanted for Christmas was to see her. I frantically arrived late & ran in & ran into Sister Monson. Hugged her & breathless asked, "where's iosua?" Ran up the stairs to meet the Iosua clan. As much as I loved Sister Iosua, her family was as lovable and funny as she was. I loved just waiting. Her family with signs & tracking her down through the airport security. It made me smile knowing they were looking forward to see her as much as I had.

After waiting 30 minutes. She finally arrived! It didn't seem like it had been months since I've seen her. Last June & finally in December- the dynamic duo is back...ADISON & IOSUA!

LAST SIGHTING...ugly Gillette.

So much fun being apostate together! She understands me and my love for MUSIC.
Illegal music on the mission phone recorded. Your love IS my drug.

The sisterhood of the traveling sisters. From Casper to Montana. WE ruled the mission. The awesomely HOT brown sisters.

I love her so much that I don't even care that she hates CATS! Because I hate dogs, specially puppy dog blue eyes.

My biggest fan & support. Her love for natives only grew as we served 3 transfers together.

Without a doubt, I know God blessed me to have her in my life. She made my SDRC mission. I needed to have her there through the tough times. We shared laughs & we did the work we were called to do. It's an eternal friendship that I will cherish. She is worth all the drama of elders & trials of the UPM. I love love her! She is my CHOKE-A-HOE sister. The only thing that would make her home greater...is for when our other SISTER. A certain Kemp is missing from our lives. We will be waiting...APRIL 12, 2011. coming soon.

ONE MONTH...HOME

2011-11-27T21:47:00.001-08:00

THE LAST OF SISTER ADISON; SISTER MISSIONARY

NOV. 27...& OCT. 27...YOUTH FIRESIDE...

I had only an hour to talk about my incredible missions. Of course it went over time with all the questions. I loved it, but something rings true to what I said. No one will ever think your mission is as cool as you think it is. My glory days of the Lord's guidance and work and all we are are instruments. Our purpose is greater than ourselves. I made this poster and brought my planners for visual aids, but of course my Book of Mormon attracted the most attention. Yeah, I read it a lot, can't you tell by my humility? Nothing in my life will ever be as great as my mission. Why didn't I know that on my mission?

It's beggining to look a lot like CHRISTMAS!

2011-11-27T18:59:00.000-08:00

Ho Ho Ho....

TEMPLE SQUARE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS...and a referral for the Temple Square Missionaries.

On Saturday night; The Adisons and Heatons went to Temple Square. So beautiful and cold. I love the lights. To me, it always feels magical. Me & my sister Bre had a game to whomever was to see the first person we knew; the other would owe them some candy. I saw Matt; a guy from Provo (mtc teacher) that I was kind of interested in. He was there with his family. I was so nervous that I couldn't say hi. So no candy for me. "I'm crazy for you I'm missing you like CANDY!"

LIGHTS LIGHT UP MY LIFE.

I overheard a guy talking about baptisms and was confused about baptisms for the dead. He wasn't a member since he was obvisously confused about temples. So I went and found the sister missionaries (that were just standing in a circle chilling) and told them to talk to that man. I was like I'm a returned missionary and that guy isn't a member and is asking questions about the temple. He's on the couch; go and talk to him. So I was like thinking, STOP GOSSIPING AND GO AND TEACH. Which it took them a minute, but I came back around and they were talking with him. Still attempting to do my job. I love the work. Not afriad to do it, but WAY terrified of a RM. I can't even say hi to him & the day before Matt and I became facebook friends. RM's have the light, but fear darkens the night.

BREAKING..what?

2011-11-25T16:29:00.001-08:00

PRICE...2pm, Nov. 25; BLACK FRIDAY

Breaking dawn sleeping, not shopping.

As I watched her life end; it made me think of the beginning. Like with Bella growing up because of love, but doing it in a painful way and finally coming to the end of Bella Swan-human and living forever as a vampire with her vampire husband. It's no wonder I don't agree with the last book and how it ends. You should live for love not die for it.

BREAKING DAWN pt. 1

I did it. i finally gave in and saw it. It only took a week. I went with my little bro. Wade. The desire to see it wasn't so strong. I don't know I guess to see the beginning of the end of Bella's youth & the coming to terms of sacrifice of life for the one you love leaving behind all logic to become an adult & married. Certainly, didn't interest me. I knew I would comtemplate my own life and as annoying as Bella was; she had the guts to throw her life away for love. I did like the fact that she wasn't that much in it talking, but looking like a dead alien as she was preganant through the whole movie. I loved loved the soundtrack. There are so kick-ace songs as well as beautiful slow songs. I also HATED her wedding dress. Not cute at all. The only outfit that I LOVED LOVED was Edward's honeymoon outfit while they were playing chess. Way hot! Cute striped shirt and playing chess. Finally, showing me why Edward is way better than Jacob, who was shirtless once in the whole movie at the VERY beginning. That's dazzling!

MUSIC MAKE YOU LOSE CONTROL...

2011-11-22T12:38:00.000-08:00

If my life had a soundtrack; according to my closest sisters these are the LOVE songs that when they hear-they think of me & my LOVE life.

SELENA GOMEZ: A YEAR WITHOUT RAIN....Hetling's song to describe me (referring to tree lover). "Can you feel me when I think about you? With every breath I take, every minute, no matter what I do. My world is an empty place. Like I've been wondering the desert for a thousand days, Don't know if it's a mirage but I always see your face. I'm missing you so much. Can't help it, I'm in love. a day without you is like a year without rain. i need you by my side. Don't know how I'll survive a day without you is like a year without rain."

ADELE: SOMEONE LIKE YOU...my sisters Bre & Desi's song to describe me (referring to Will.I.AM). "I heard you're settled down that you found a girl and you're married now. I heard that your dreams came true. Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you. Old friend, why are you so shy? Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light. I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvited, but I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it. I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over. Never mind, I'll find someone like you. I wish nothing but the best for you, too. Don't forget me, I begged. I remember you said, Sometimes it lasts in love and sometimes it hurts instead. You know how the time flies only yesterday was the time of our lives we were born and raised in a summer haze bound by the surprise of our glory days. Nothing compares, no worries or cares. Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made. Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste? "

BLINK 182: UP ALL NIGHT...my bff Abbie's song to describe me & my mission loves. "In the night friendships form. In the day only some do last. Are we here tonight to save grace or are we here to forget the past. Remember the friends who did anything to stay, remember the ones who made you pay. Remember that I am here for you. Remember that these words are true. the love is coming back."

Honorable mentions I LOVE LOVE these songs: We found love, by Rihanna. Ours, by Taylor Swift. Best love song, by Chris Brown.

*This post was inspired by my bff Iosua & her email to look up MARIAH CAREY: UP OUT OF MY FACE...

My self-described song of the end of 2011* Hit the lights-Selena Gomez: LISTEN!

ADISON WEDDING

2011-11-20T18:35:00.000-08:00

11-18-11: The NEWEST Adison...Amanda Slade Adison.

My big bro Kurt got married in the Logan, UT. temple on Saturday. They were so happy & it was the first temple wedding I had ever been to. Honored to have been the 1st to know they were engaged and my return from my mission was a factor in their wedding date. I was there to see them sealed for all eternity.

It was FREEZING, it snowed the night before. This picture of us was a quick one where all of us took off our jackets to get one of our coordinating outfits. Her colors were apple green, purple(grape), and teal. Also, it was my first public outfit wearing a normal Adison dress. My sisters picked it out and bought it for me. I was afraid it was too tight and too short, but I wore it anyways. LOVE the black lace...(sis.layton told me that lace reminds elders of underwear (lingerie).

THE RETURNED ADISON SDRC MISSIONARIES

Thanks to me he got married. I was told that if I served my siblings would be blessed with marriage. He thanks me all the time. I heart my big bro.

THE FASHIONABLE ADISON WOMEN; Amanda has a lot to live up to, but I have faith she can. EVEN our jackets are matching her colors. I loved the wedding. I felt the love. I love LOVE. Maybe marriage isn't so bad...

The CUTE MR. & MRS. KURT ADISON

FAMOUS LAST WORDS

2011-11-16T15:58:00.000-08:00

"I am not afriad to keep on living I am not afriad to walk this world alone, honey if you stay I'll be forgiving, nothing you can say can stop me from going home." My thoughts of love as I left SDRC mission.

The 2 remaining single Adison sisters...conquering labels & love. After watching Sex & the City with my BFF BRE. I realized this is what most girls are fighting for. Just like them, we want a REAL relationship not a knock off like a fake PRADA bag. I'd rather have the REAL DEAL & spend more MONEY & more TIME on the real things in life. I realized then that I needed to focus on me & what I want & deserve. The last 18months of my life has been about everyone else, but me. Now I am refocusing on my own happily ever after. Learning that as long as I stay REAL with myself being alone is better than having a FAKE relationship that comes CHEAP. Real LOVE has a cost. Now I just have to be willing to pay the price!

YOUR LOVE IS MY DRUG...

2011-11-16T15:57:00.002-08:00

Love me dead. LOVE HER HETLING;

After 3 weeks of not speaking FINALLY she calls me & now has a facebook! She's awesome! My best work ever...at the end she was the one getting all the 2nd glances & guys hitting on her. Who knew how much a straightner, makeup, & color to her wardrobe would change everything. She's beautiful inside & out. I was lucky enough to be able to be called her friend. The day before I was talking about her to my mom about how she'd cook then do the dishes...then my mom was like, "No wonder why you haven't heard from her; she probably hates you." (thanks mom) Then Hetling called me the next day. SHE HEARTS ME! SO we chatted for 2 & half hours! It felt like old times. Which in a way is sad & pathetic for me that I still have the same problems as Shannon & Sister Adison. Which we couldn't really bring ourselves to call each other Shannon & Tegan. Not yet. I love her & am so glad that we didn't end up only "mission friends." Known to always have my back & to crave cookies DAILY. I can only say that God must love me to send her to me for 10 months. She was the hardest greatest thing on my mission. She was there during the whole tree lover drama & her insights & love were there when the sparks started with the raspberry cheesecake to the tragic end with the lies he told to cover his tracks when everything came crashing down. True to form, she is still there in the aftermath; supporting, warning, and reminding me what WILL happen if I play with fire AGAIN. We discussed everything like what Pres. & Sister Layton said to how I feel about it now, to the letter. & also the letter I wrote recently. She doesn't want me to send it, because she knows he WILL write back, even if it is to have the last word in the battle between us.

CLEANING

2011-11-16T15:57:00.001-08:00

CLOSET, CLOTHES, CLUELESS

Cleaning out the skeletons in my closets. About 6 totes, 2 closets & 2 missions worth of boy DRAMA. Things that I found in there are so out-dated. I've grown out of loser boys & graphic tees. All things to do with my adolescence. I'm growing up. Things I used to love & hold on to...are now too SMALL & too YOUNG for me. Most days I feel so old & tired; maybe I'm growing into maturity. No longer a size XS, but being more curvaceous and now would rather be a woman than a girl. & now I'd rather have a man than a boy. So the PAINFUL process of going through my past is proving to be a LONG difficult task. After days of sorting I still have tons of baggage to get rid of. A new life-a new style. Time to toss out the past and look forward to the future. I can always buy new clothes to replace the old & boys are a dime a dozen. Hopefully, I won't have to suffer from buyer's remorse!!!

11-11-11

2011-11-13T15:29:00.000-08:00

I LOVE LOVE SHOPPING AT H&M!!!

Hanging out with my awesome stylish cousin Laramie. He way out dressed me. We woke up early at like 7am...hahhah, and waited in line outside in the cold (even though it wasn't Wyoming cold). For the GRAND OPENING at noon. Brought an ipod and People Style magazine to keep me going. Some starbucks, free coffee & redbull, and some cinnamin rolls.

MY FUTURE HUSBAND: So of course I would be checking out way cute boys that CAN dress nice while in line, but the biggest shocker was a guy that came up to me. One I haven't seen in 18months. My old home teacher/elders quorom president and old CRUSH...Jonathan! So cute and so nice. He was so excited to see me. He's older than I am and still single and is moving back to Provo. He graduated from BYU already and he's an adult. Like seriously crazy to see him. If i was more adult and mature...maybe he'd like me. Actually probably not, he's so so so good. I wouldn't want to taint a good guy like him.

Anyway, I looked like junk...didn't brush my hair that day. I was on TV too. It was awesome. The news people were there & me and my cousin were one of the first 500 people and we got like a gift card to H&M for $25. LOVED IT. Got free H&M bag and notebook. Bought a heart shirt and a pink dress. Maybe someday I'll feel stylish and pretty again, but until then this is a WONDERFUL first step!

don't let it go to your head

2011-11-10T14:05:00.000-08:00

SO THIS IS THE BOY I AM TALKING ABOUT IN MY NEXT BLOG POST....JONATHAN

Don't let it go to your head. I love this song!! Story of my life.

Just picture my face on this girl.

PROVO & WTF?

2011-11-10T12:41:00.000-08:00

I was WALKING in PROVO, when I heard my name, "SHANNON!" Being shouted and I turned & I saw SISTER SIMPSON! it was shocking. We had an hour conversation of the transition of being home & elder drama. I was mortified that we could relate on anything. & on my loneliest day ever. She was the one that comforted me. It was like 2 RMs frienemies now friends because we have no one else. So funny, I needed the mission office # & she had it and the Casper 5th #. Yeah, at least I'm not that pathetic! Or am I?

"Forgotten the taste and smell of the world she left behind"-Paramore
I never thought I would find myself relating to Sister Simpson.

The loneliness day of my life...was Tuesday. In which I arrived in Provo Monday night for FHE. & I couldn't believe I was there. BOYS were so lame and childish. Seriously? RMs...grow up. I thought that was what your mission was for. Of course the ONLY one that was okay was an MTC teacher and that GUY every girl in the ward is in love with, including my bestie Lauren. So it's like...um, tree lover boy is looking better and better. I have no desire to date anyone else. What's wrong with me? Pretty sure...I'm no angel anymore. Still no patience. & pretty sure I got a different response about my elder woes...than sister simpson got with hers. I asked her about what happened at the final interview and with pres.and sis. Layton. Yeah, my words of advice was WAY different than simpson's. So I haven't told you the whole story about what was said concerning things...tree lover boy. IT was shocking to me. I'll do another blog post about it. Love you...more than other RM sisters. Miss you guys. I'm going crazy without you.

HOLLOW...what?

2011-11-06T23:26:00.000-08:00

HALLOWEEN!

"Who is the fairest of them all?"

HELLO KITTY

I got the pleasure of taking my niece Ariel (the mermaid princess) around trunk or treating. In HONOR of my CHOKE-A-HOE sisters I decided to be HELLO KITTY. It was like Kemp and Iosua attitude and spirit were there celebrating this holiday with me. BEST part of Halloween-RANDOM foreign people wanting pictures with me at the Gateway Mall. So a German guy was like can I take your picture. Ummn..sure. I'm used to random weird people looking at me anyways....I did serve a mission. Then right after some ASIAN ladies came up to us and was like we want picture. So then they were like we want to have picture with you. So I was so tempted to do a peace sign...since I don't know why I think all Asians do that so I decided against it; then at the last second they both did peace signs. I LOVE IT! It was so awesome. Made the whole stressful Halloween worth it. After...I went to a YSA Halloween dance in SLC. Getting jiggy wit it and getting my groove back. To your shock; I'm so out of it. Couldn't talk to anyone and only HALF danced (which impressed people). BUT, I AM AN AWKWARD RETURNED SISTER MISSIONARY. Which is fine-next year in St. Geezy will make up for it. So my sister Bre was like, "He's cute go talk to him!" & I couldn't/didn't want to. SO LAME...SO THE ONLY guy I talked to was a guy DRESSED UP AS A ELDER....hahahh...twisted I know. It's like I MISS ELDERS...break through...when have I ever admitted that. BUT, i do. My elder friend loves, that hopefully are still friends even after they don't wear the tag anymore. So enjoy the awkwardness of the mission...since after it-you won't have any excuse to be weird like me. LOVE YOU...hope you had a spooky HALLOWEEN. The spookiest thing of all, was...me...not being me.

HOMECOMING TALK

2011-11-06T22:49:00.000-08:00

The GOLDEN GIRLS REUNION

Despite all odds; I finally gave my FINAL homecoming talk. It was overwhelming and easy at the same time. I didn't prepare. I pondered on some things that I felt I should say and then did it all by the spirit. It flowed and I didn't take more time than was given to me. Surprising that everyone wished I could have had more time. My theme I was reflecting on was about my personal mission and my SDRC mission and how the two correlate. Our mission is like our mission/earth life. We have loving parents whether Heavenly or mortal that wants us to return to them with honor. Sending us out into a world with as much preparation as we can have. Knowingly, that we can only acquire so little before the mission, but only through the actual experience of heartache and trial will we ever truly learn. That sometimes we forget our purpose in the mission field and in life. & coming back to the center of all missions is our Savior Jesus Christ. His atonement made it possible for our mission to succeed. I've learned that the atonement is real and it covers everything, every possible hurt, sickness and temptation. It has healed my wounded broken heart for me to even be able to function as a representative of Christ. It has given me the strength to tract, to love, to hope for a better world. Not just for me, but for others. We will never get to see the whole plan, but God gives us "letters" from home, meaning He sends us His love through different kinds of things. In my life on earth and TOTALLY on my mission; God has sent me so much love through my SISTER FRIENDS. Golden Girl SISTERS: Beck and Duncan traveled down to be at my homecoming. Though it's been over a year since our crazy roller coaster of a mission in Payson, a part of my heart will always be there. PREPARING me for even more love and heartache in my divine call to Rapid City, South Dakota. I love my missions. I think about it everyday. I realize that I am no longer SISTER ADISON, sister missionary and removing my tag was harder than I thought and imagine. Way harder than the 1st time. I just cried. i love this work. I loved my mission. I loved my friends, my sisters, my loves. I realized a part of me will always be with the people I love. I am with you. I love you, Kemp and Iousa, my sisters. Leaving was hard to do, not because of the "mantle" but because I was leaving you sisters to continue to fight the battle without me. I can't express my love and concern. I think of you always and sometimes think, "if i was still there I could call them." I've hated this past week of no connection with my missionaries. My sisters, my friends. I love you, please remember that. I was nothing more than Sister Adison, another ordinary sister missionary, but I am everything I am now because of your love & help. Miss you, LOVE LOVE, Shannon!

SISTA...A, adison homecoming

2011-10-30T14:24:00.000-07:00

WELCOME BACK...to UTAH!
It's official.

Sister Adison is no longer a SISTER. Kiss her goodbye missionaries! NO MORE DRAMA, ELDERS, & WHITE HANDBOOK!
Hello to family, pants and REAL BOYS! So happy to be home, but it's bittersweet. Couldn't imagine what would happen when I did finish. I miss it so much. It's true you feel lost. Even Sister Adison, the worldliest sister missionary is saddened by her new life. I'm just another RM. The last couple of days of withdrawals.
I miss my other sisters...kemp & iosua and the only thing that could make this more special is for them to be here with me.

Loved my Halloween themed airport scene I seriously was like, "Who's family is that?" & it turned out it was mine. Incredible Heavenly Father blessed me to share the gospel with a girl on the plane. Her name was Molle. She was sweet. I felt prompted to share my missionary non-"romance" story. My bad romance; then she opened up. I shared the experiences of what I went through for the past couple of months of tree-lover days & now wondering what to do next. She was so interested and then I taught different parts of the lessons. She is totally wanting to meet ElderHatch& his comp in Pierre. So it was good, a good like member present lesson since everyone was like a member or an elder sitting by us. It was awesome ending with being a facebook friend with her. LOVE THE WORK! God works in awesome ways. The hardest part was leaving the plane and saying goodbye to her, but also saying goodbye to the tag. I will never ever regret anything that I did. I wouldn't change a thing. i am grateful for feeling that way. I love you all. peace out. XOXO-Shannon

THE CLIMB....

2010-03-31T21:38:00.000-07:00

"I can almost see it, that dream I'm dreaming..."

I got my "mission call", well my mini-mission call tonight. Instead of serving for 18 months; I will be serving for 12 weeks on a trial mission to see if I'll be okay physically & mentally. To be honest I wasn't ready to hear it and had no idea it was coming & as fast as it will. I have only 2 weeks to prepare. 2 WEEKS to tie up all loose ends. To say goodbye to my family and friends. I didn't get to do all the things I wanted. I wanted so much to fufill the righteous desires of my heart. I finally got to the point where I understood and realized it wasn't a sin and that I shouldn't feel guilty about what I want. I want to be in Provo. I wanted to be available...I wanted to be available for the possibility...of dating. I want time to finish up school. I want to be 22! I want to be happy. I want to have fun and enjoy my life. I WANTED to finally get back to it...so naturally this mini mission comes at the worse timing, but perfect timing for reality & for the Lord's will.

I know the Lord knows the right timing for everything & everything happens when it's suppose to. I know I'm doing what is right. I am doing everything in my power to show the Lord I'm willing to sacrafice to serve him. Although I have been overwhelmed with everything over the past couple of months, I am certain I can do anything through the Lord & with the strength of Christ.

"Keep on moving. Keep climbing. Keep the faith. It's all about the climb."

A new day has come...

2010-03-24T13:40:00.000-07:00

MARCH 25, 2010

"I love to see the temple. I'll go inside someday. I'll covenant with my father. I'll promise to obey. For the temple is a holy place."
I will be able to go to the temple in Salt Lake City. I'm so happy and completely calm and peaceful. I am truly grateful I got to share this experience with those closest to me. I love my family & friends more than ever from learning how much our Father in Heaven loves me.

start a new trend; wear your heart on your sleeve.

2010-02-17T15:32:00.000-08:00

All year I've been anticipating the day I become a SISTER missionary & dreading the day I have to wear SISTER missionary clothes.

So......

Here's a tribute to my fashion style inspirations.

Lauren Conrad, Lady GAGA, Camilla Belle, Emma Watson, Jessica Alba, Nicole Richie, Rachel Bilson, & Taylor Swift.

I figure it's a new year & a new style.....unlike the other sister missionaries I have my secret style weapon, my personal stylist:

BRE: the Rachel Zoe of my life. Her style & fashion sense is so BAANNANAS! I literally die, it's so cute. Thanks to her, I will do my traveling & missionary work in STYLE.

"No one on the corner have swagga like us"

S-ingles A-wareness D-ay

2010-02-15T13:18:00.000-08:00

"ALL THE SINGLE LADIES....." in Happy Valley....
I got to spend Valentines weekend in the delightful "Happy Valley," and it really was. I love LOVE my friends! So many things happened within the 2 week stay. I L-O-V-E movies, hot-tubing, restaurants, sushi, scooters, BC rooftop, temple trips, girl bonding, BANGS, & BOYS BOYS BOYS! Even though I didn't have an "official crush," my bestie Seth said he'd be my Valentine...only if I'd be his.

"There you have it, folks. Young love, full of promise, full of hope, ignorant of reality."

It was a CRAZY rollar-coaster ride when my best chick-friends met my best friend Seth. They fell in love & wondered why I wasn't. I love him, but I'm not in love with him. It was good to know for myself how I really feel about him. It felt so good to spend the LOVE holiday with people who do love me. Things fell back into place. Life started making sense. I started to think of last Valentine's Day & baseball boy. "We are all programmed to believe that if a guy acts like a total jerk that means he likes you."
REALITY, he doesn't really like you-NO exception! Even in my case, I met his new girlfriend, but luckily I got to spend time with my ideal man to avoid the ex-crush.
I realized after seeing the LOVEY DOVEY Valentine movie, which depicted different aspects of my life; the dating, the best guy-friend, & the rejection.

"You don't keep inklings to yourself! You share them! You're like hey guy, I got an inkling you're headed for a fall here! That's what friends do, that's common knowledge, it's in the damn handbook!"

I really wish someone would have warned me about baseball boy last year. It would have saved me from heartache & my precious time. My closest friends knew what I didn't want to know. He just wasn't into me.

It took a WHOLE year to learn this lesson, if a guy wants to date you, he will make it happen. I'm such a Gigi to get wrapped up in something that's not there, but she does fall in LOVE a whole lot more times than anyone else (like me).

"Because this girl, she is great! She's like... like sunshine. Everything is better when she's there. I can't stand the idea of some jerk hurting her, I just can't. I can't."

i need to take the wisdom from both movies.

"Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, Every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is... just... moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope. "

This Valentine's weekend; changes happened..."I got BANGS!" I'm starting over. I am opening my eyes & seeing the signs & new guys. I know now who'll be in my life forever & ones only making an appearance. I am over last year baseball boy! & I know what I want in a guy from seeing my ideal man. I don't need a boy; I have my friends. My happy ending is truly....moving on.

scope the nose

2010-01-06T21:10:00.000-08:00

"EEEE.......HMMMMMMM......OWWWWWW!!!"

PAINFUL PAINFUL PAINFUL is the best word to describe my doctor's appointment today. I saw a speech pathologist that conducted a test where they stuck a scope down my nose to look down my throat while I swallowed. 4 tries!!! & on the 5th with a different doctor she got in all the way in.

"It's okay, you can cry. She's tough, I didn't want to torture her more."

It was complete torture & even the good doctor couldn't put someone through that much pain.

"It's okay, think happy thoughts"....where did my thoughts lead me? The only place that came to mind was playing catch with baseball boy & late-night walks with him. On the other tries it was to hard to think of something else. It hurt too much. Anything and everything else I thought of wasn't going to hold it's own with the pain. A memory that was already painful.

Once they got the camera in, I choked on it.

My nose is small.

I didn't think it could get worse, but I found out I'd have to do it again, but for longer & further down into my throat. To help, they sprayed some numbing product twice into my throat, which made me gag & choke. Then the nurse asked how old I was & I said 22, then she said you're older than me. I'm 20.

Hmm...great.

Getting the camera scope down my nose again proved to only be accomplished under rare circumstances. They tried & tried, both nostrils until they made me bleed. It hurt TONS! I knew they had to do it, so I endured & tried to keep myself from crying. So finally they gave up on the nose, then they shoved it down through my mouth, that made me cough & choke. 12 swallows of water holding my breath for 30 seconds after each swallow. I wanted to punch the assistant when she would tell me the wrong number of swallows left. After 45 minutes of torture I was done. I bursted into tears as I delayed the pain they did to me. IT was painful & hard emotionally to let them keep going.

Aftermath, they can't fix me. They don't know how it happened, but my upper & lower throat muscles aren't working correctly. It's unpredictable, sometimes my swallows are fine. BUT come back if it gets worse...thanks.

CAUGHT in a bad romance...

2010-01-04T11:09:00.000-08:00

"I want your love & I want your revenge. You & me could write a bad romance."

What is it about 2010 that everyone is getting married? There must be something in the water!

WTF! why are all my guy friends getting engaged? I don't see the appeal of being married or legally binding yourself to another person.

Almost all my guy friends are getting married. It's not enough to lose all my chick-friends to marriage.
"I don't want to be friends."

Other than the fact I had a 2 year head start, but for them to be the ones to jump into engagements, it's insane. I don't think I'm old enough, let alone boys being old enough to be husbands & fathers.

"I want your love, love, love, love."

My normal response to the news: I can't believe that he's engaged. I am so happy for him. I'd like to meet the girl that tame the beast, BUT I knew there had to be a prince underneath it all.

"I want your love & all your lover's revenge."

I wonder, where's my happy ending...& to have an ending you must have a beginning. When does happiness start?

New Year's Eve/new decade.

2009-12-31T10:38:00.001-08:00

2010! My New Year's Resolution is to finish all of my 2009 blog posts & to have a better year of love and style.

2009 was the most frustrating & hard year I've ever had. A time of loss with tons of heartache & pain.

I am completely glad it's almost over...
See you in hell 2009!

"The memories fade like looking through a fogged mirror. Decision to decisions are made and not bought, but I thought this wouldn't hurt a lot. I guess not."

Last blog post of the decade/year! See ya next year...in 2010!

paper heart...

2009-12-25T20:05:00.000-08:00

After watching the movie, "Paper Heart" it got me thinking, remembering a time before closing off my heart. The movie was all about love & overcoming the obstacle of yourself & allowing yourself to feel. As I watched this movie I could feel the intensity & awkwardness of a 1st date & the uncertainty every relationship brings. I thought this is like my dating story. Dating (homecooked dinner, the grocery store, sitting & talking on the couch) & love happened. She was still a skeptic. It took them parting for her to realize despite everything she believed in & all her reservations about love; she wanted him in her life. She was in love.
Sometimes I can't remember what happened in my dating life & why it was so painful. Why did I think it was worth the pain? I've gone for months trying to revieve those feelings, but I can't & I don't understand how I felt them at all. Then I think maybe I didn't. I don't understand & I'll never understand. Why am I still...dating? Is love worth the risk of painful experiences?

"TO FEEL SOMETHING YOU HAVE TO TAKE A LITTLE RISK."

mY gOOdies...mY gOOdies

2009-12-24T22:41:00.001-08:00

Twas' the night before Christmas...

Christmas Eve, giving out my goodies. Every year my parents give treats to our neighbors/friends/bishopric. They tend to make me & my sister make the goodies then deliver them. This year, I didn't have ANY money for presents for anyone, so I took goodies to my Emery besties. & I got a treat of my own...

"All I want for Christmas is you"

I love love them. The original friends. They stuck with me through thick & thin & were the ones I got to share my Christmas Eve treats with.

1st house: Weston, friend for 9 yrs. History: The adventures of Sponge-bob & Patrick! Prom date & a lot of hangout dates. THE ONLY boy to ever to hold my hand. My favorite date on record; Jazz game, missing 1/2 a day of school, running around Gateway trying to get into Abercrombie & Fitch before it closed. Picking me up & running through the fountain and getting soaked, he grabbed my hand & wouldn't let go. Even on the way home he held my hand....while he drove. The timing was never right then I realized it'll never be right, but I heart him anyway.

2nd house: Abbie, friend for 15 yrs. History: met on the playground, was scared of her. She was so outspoken & I was the shy one. Since then we have endured so much like cat fights, dumb boys & High School. She was & remains the most loyal friend I have ever had. She would defend & stick up for me when no one else would. Everyone was scared of her, but to be on her side is the safest place for a messed up friend like me. I can be completely honest about anything & everything with her.

3rd house: Seth, friend for 18 yrs. My best guy friend that I heart & completely trust. My eternal friend. History: He's been in my life for so long I can't imagine it without him. Without him I wouldn't have survived BYU. I was suppose to go to Prom with him, but Weston asked 1st. BUT I asked him to Promenade with me. Prom King & Student Body President, he is the guy I get pressured about the most to marry. Sorry everyone, he's my ETERNAL friend, not eternal companion, but I do love him!

4th house: Anne, friend for 22 yrs. Even before I was born, my parents & her parents planned for us to be friends. She was my 1st FRIEND! Because of her I have Abbie as a friend & I made it through swimming lessons & Elementary. We are so different, but remain friends & rekindled our friendship this Christmas Eve spending the most time at her house discussing our very similar lives; giving me hope that life will get better & everyone needs a break from school. It's not the end of the world.

The greatest gift I've been given is the gift of good friends.

"Last Christmas I gave you my heart, the very next day you gave it away. This year to keep me from tears I'll give it to someone special...."

CANNOT be your MEMORY...

2009-12-22T21:32:00.000-08:00

NEVER ACT OUT OF FEAR!

"I still try holding on to silly things. I never learn."

I have a hard time letting go of people. I think it's fitting to quote the song, "Memory," by Sugarcult. The song that was dedicated to me when we went to Homecoming together.

"This could never start. We could fall apart. And I'd be your memory. Lost your sense of fear. Feelings insincere. Can I be your memory?
So get back, back, back to where we lasted just like I imagined I could never feel this way. So get back, back, back to the disaster. My heart's beating faster. Holding on to feel the same. This may never start. I'll tear us apart. Can I be your enemy? Losing half a year. Waiting for you here. I'd be your anything. This may never start. Tearing out my heart. I'd be your memory. Lost your sense of fear. Feelings disappeared. Cannot be your memory"

To be honest, I regret the things that I don't do. I have always known he had so much potential. Even back then I was more strict with dating. I knew dating him was not an option. He had tons of girlfriends & I did not want to be just another girl. I knew he liked me; he has always been brave enough to tell me. I felt that if my feelings meant anything I would wait. Wait, until it would actually mean something. I would make sure he served his mission. Then after, finally, I would act upon what I wanted.
"Too little too late"

When he returned I was scared. I've never known how to let myself feel what I was feeling for him. I had chances, but the timing was never right. I blamed time, but we were never right.

"I drowned out all my sense with the sound of its beating"

I woke up in the middle of the night terrified about a nightmare I had. In this dream I was too late to tell him anything. It really scared me. Acting out of fear, I text him & I can't believe I told him that I liked him more than a friend. We didn't even discuss it, just pretended like nothing happened & I guess that's true, nothing happened. I didn't want something to happen, but I feel like at least he knows now. I can't completely blame myself, it's his fault too. Now, I can let go.

"I CAN't BELIEVE you call yourself my friend, why don't you look me in the eyes one last time?"

"I see you lying next to me with words I thought I'd never speak, awake and unafraid, asleep or dead."

chemicals react

2009-12-16T12:49:00.000-08:00

THE PERFECT MAN: EDWARD CULLEN? He's a VAMPIRE!
I disagree with this! It wasn't until I ran into the REAL perfect man at the "New Moon" movie that I realized this.

I love my besties, Brenna, who got the tickets & Wendy, who waited in line with us outside for 6 hours in the freezing COLD to see a movie! We were later join by Rosy to watch our latest OBSESSION!

Even though "New Moon" was my least favorite book from the Twilight series, the movie was okay, but I LoVeD the shirtless Jacob!

PERFECT BEST FRIEND: JACOB BLACK? He's a WEREWOLF!

Completely false. You can have an attractive best friend, but to be attracted to them defeats the whole idea of best FRIEND.

I was up in Provo for the NEW MOON movie & I saw my favorite "perfect man." Who was just as happy & surprised to see me. He's so happy about my decision to serve a mission. & said we should keep in touch as he got my number (again) on his new phone. We hugged & chatted I couldn't help, but notice all the girls checking him out. He dazzles everyone...

A month later...I am so happy, I heard from "the perfect man." He emailed me. He's such a great person. It's such a good reminder to me of how I want my future husband to be like. The feeling he gives me whenever I hear from him or see him like I did a month ago at the movies; he always leaves me happy. He's such a joy to be around, an all around good guy. My friend. He has such a good heart and good intentions towards people. He truly is a beautiful person with a beautiful soul. I would totally be his BELLA anyday! Only for the "perfect man", MARRIAGE OVER MISSION!

HEART-BURN

2009-12-11T11:41:00.000-08:00

"I hurt myself today to see if I still feel...I focus on the pain the only thing that's real."

Emotional pain causes physical pain. After the hemorrhoids, then heartburn that killed me for many months leading to an endoscopy & a biopsy not to mention the infection of lice for almost 2 months.

"The needle tears a hole the old familiar sting, try to kill it all away, but I remember everything."

Within the last couple of weeks trying to figure out what is wrong with me has been exhausting. 2 different types of doctors made a direct correlation between my physical health and mental health. To put it lightly I'm killing myself from the inside out.

"What have I become, my sweetest friend? Everyone I know goes away in the end."

The negativity and harshness is internalized causing my chest to hurt. I didn't realize it until today through a petty comment. I went in my room and stopped breathing. It felt like my whole chest weighed a million pounds. I could feel it tighten.

"and you could have it all my empire of dirt. I will let you down, I will make you hurt."

Yesterday when the doctors showed me my results there was nothing wrong. Everything looked fine. They can't physically find the problem for why my throat muscles are tightened making it hard to eat anything and to breathe.

"I wear this crown of thorns up on my liar's chair, full of broken thoughts I cannot repair"

I'm suppose to write down every time a negative feeling comes over me. & each time my chest starts to ache. It feels like a heart-attack. It takes so much time to get back to normal. After I eat I have to sit up for hours after, spitting up my food.

"beneath the stains of time the feelings disappear. You are someone else I am still right here.

It's so hard for me to deal with this when no one else understands how much it hurts. It hurts all the time. I can remember what it's like to be able to eat food normal, the last time was in August.

"if I could start again a million miles away I would keep myself I would find a way."

aLL the right friends & a bAd RoMaNce

2009-11-30T20:36:00.001-08:00

The SPOOKY weekends begins....

all the RIGHT MOVES in ALL the right places.

Provo is full of masks & costumes. My bestie Rosy celebrated the big 30! & all her friends surprised her with a PHaNTOM of The OPeRa dance party. Special thanks to Jon, Brenna, & Wendy. So hard to keep the secret, but we LOVE LOVE her!

HALLOWEEN 2009: BAD ROMANCE
Circus Ring-master & the fame monster: LaDY GaGA...
I wanted to be someone that I couldn't be after I serve my mission & the most outragous person I'd want to dress up as would be Miss Poker Face herself.

"there are 2 types of guys out there; the ones that can hang with me & the ones that are scared." I saw ESC boy & baseball boy...then I realized they will always be SCARED boys; it's not just during HALLOWEEN!

LUCKILY, I have all the right friends in all the right places.

SCARY STORIES PARTY-It wasn't what I had in mind for that night, but I was there for my friends. I was HORRIFIED not because of the stories, but I was mistaken for MADONNA! I'm LADY GAGA! Do you live under a rock?

The after-party, I took care of the Kittens & we took pictures & watched Enchanted.

"I'll follow you around until you love me....papa...paparrazi."

"& we lived happily ever after."

Let me go....THE BOX

2009-10-16T21:31:00.000-07:00

"In my head there's only you now & this world falls on me."

With all the free time, I've been looking to the past; scrap-booking & discarding every insignificant thing I've kept. What I found was a bunch of baggage I have hidden & stored away trying to forget their existence. I found the BOX, a box every girl has to keep the memories & mementos of their past loves. I found the only one I had. The box I forgot to forget. BUT successfully I have kept from my thoughts for enough time to move on.

After reading the EMAILS, love notes, & listening to his mix he made before his departure. I could see CHEMISTRY....

Why do we always look to the past? Maybe it's because it's safe, knowing what already happened. Finding comfort in what was instead of what is now...uncertainty.

I went through the BOX, scrap-booked what was left, just a memory.

"I dream ahead of what I hope for & I turn my back on loving you."

What's left of me?

2009-10-03T20:55:00.001-07:00

D.I.: A place where one man's trash is another man's treasure.

"Watch my life pass me by in the rear view mirror, pictures frozen in time are becoming clearer...you can have all that's left of me."

My face burned like fire, but I kept looking down. I couldn't help, but realize how close I was to this guy, a D.I. employee?

STRANGER DANGER! After we drove off, it hit me, I was BLUSHING! Something I haven't done in such a long time that I didn't recognize it. I was surprised, heat was not only in my cheeks, but my forehead and the rest of my face. A guy was flirting with me while I was being charitable?
It all started as we pulled up to the drop off place behind D.I., my sister rolled my window down for me to give the workers my stuff I was donating.

D.I. guy smiling, "Is this for me?" I was taken off guard and confused by the question. I handed him the bags quickly, & replied, "Umm...yeaaahh. Thanks." He didn't take his eyes off me. As we busted out in laughter driving off, Bre glanced back as he was going through my stuff already. Bre laughed, "He was staring at you & flirting with you!"
Embarrassed & obviously blushing, she mocked me as she said, "You would like him! He's your type; a cute nerd."

I was still wounded from baseball boy & couldn't even grasp the concept of "other fish in the sea."

Damaged goods, is what I would call myself. After the baseball boy situation over the summer. I would say I'm not worth flirting with to anyone...but maybe, D.I. was much more than dropping off old items you didn't want anymore, but realizing that other people would love to have them. As strange as this sounds, maybe I'm the item.

I guess that's the blessing (an epiphany) I get for going to D.I. & donating clothes!

"Will you take what's left of me?"

The strange thing is that I haven't felt the "za za zoo" in a long time. *za za zoo-Sex & the City reference for butterflies.

CuRse Of cUrVes...

2009-10-01T09:21:00.000-07:00

I'm FAT!!!

I have no idea how it happened, okay, I might know...how I am 127 lbs! Never in my 22 years of life have I weighed so much!

I eat because I'm unhappy, I'm unhappy because I eat.

Living at home again is hard to say the least. I thought I'd be strong enough to endure before I leave on my mission. I was wrong.

I have been eating to escape...the reality of life.

The reality is I'm unhappy & fat. The most embarrassing part is when I realized I was fat at CD pool swimming with my family. Everyone went down the big slide & so I went down....SLOWLY. I stopped in the middle of the slide & only made it all the way down is because a little kid behind me rammed into me sending me all the way down the slide.

Wishful thinker with the worse intentions

2009-09-17T16:20:00.000-07:00

BAD STUFF KEEPS HAPPENING....

I get so mad and upset. I didn't do this. I didn't give it to myself, why then do I have to have the worst of it?

The bishop said that where ever I was I would be going through the same amount of adversity despite where ever I was. At school, would I be as depressed there as I am at home? Would I get treated in a manner which drives me to eat my emotions?

I want to do good. I want to live righteously, but it's twisted by others to be perceived as being self-righteous and judgmental & most of all SELFISH.

I hate feeling this way. I have never felt this much hatred. It feels more raw now, every negative thing feels a million times worse.

In the last year of my life I had never cried more than the last month of my life. I know I have a problem letting go of my emotions and channeling it into something.

I guess in the end, Satan can tear you to pieces if you let him & obvisously I let him, because I'm at the end about to break. BUT God is the only one that can fully & truly build you up.

I feel like I have lost so much of my life & i think back to last year....exactly one year ago & how much i had then. & now what more do i have....I feel that a huge chunk of my life is gone. I don't have school anymore. I defined myself as a student. My life goal was to graduate, but life sometimes happens without your choosing.

I lost my heart. I don't know where it is, but I do know it's not where it's suppose to be. I feel that it could be still in Provo, still with my family, and friends. I'm learning to deal with life. Sometimes, it feels that I can't keep fightiing. I guess what fighting means is that I am still LIVING my life...I'm still doing things. I'm still active.

"I'm retracing every step in my head, what did i miss back then that I was so mislead?"

I think the reason why i was so busy "having fun" up at BYU always with a friend or preparing to do something/planning, is to amuse myself and distract myself from my own misery.

"Drop dead dream the chosen one....i don't mind if you don't mind cause I don't shine if you don't shine."

So I sliced my finger open while peeling potatoes. It bled so much for 20 minutes. It was deep. I thought I would have to go to the ER & get it stitched up. I finally realized how bad it was so I prayed & then the blood stopped.

It didn't occur to me that like Heavenly Father, Satan can use people for his purposes & he has been. Even my stake president has told me, that Satan uses the tactic of having people closest to us to tear people down. Taking my happiness away. Sometimes I can't remember what it's like to have others around me who choose to love me.

"I'm sorry for changing. I'm sorry that it had to be this way. Believe me, it's easier just to pretend. But, I won't apologize for who I am."

giRL at rOck sHow...

2009-09-08T08:40:00.000-07:00

wHaT's My aGe AgAiN.....

I paid $46 dollars for a Blink 182 ticket & ended up in the $69 pit next to Mark Hoppus.

A trip down memory lane to junior high, my bff Abbie burned a blink CD for me & made a fake cover(so I wouldn't get in trouble).

That Blink CD was the 1st CD I snuck into the house without my parents knowing.

"a DeCAdE UnDeR ThE iNfLUeNCe.."

Ten years later...back to 2009, at a time where I got to rebel again, thanks to my bff Abbie.

"hERe'S YoUr HoLiDAy"

LABOR DAY: violated at the doors by security searching for pot & weed; our seats...way in the back, so we snuck closer during Chester French, but some skanks snaked our seats so we decided to get in the pit for Taking Back Sunday, (which called for a ticket). Abbie's older bro rubbed the marker marks off their ticket, but mine still had a mark. I played it cool & held my black nail polished finger over the mark & stayed the whole night in the pit!

"wHEre YoU wAnT tO be"...

In the pit, boys with eyeliner & skinny jeans; I was in HEAVEN! We stood back for Taking Back Sunday. Far enough back that I was the only one dancing & singing to the songs. Tons of people, the lights went dim & the crowd pushed forward running to the stage. We got swept up in the crowd. I couldn't breathe.

"hAPPENS ONcE AgAIn YOU TuRN TO A FRIEND..."

Abbie grabbed my arm & pulled me out of the mosh pit. I got stepped on & trampled over as boys with no shirts slammed up against each other. We got out, but security wouldn't let us leave the pit. I couldn't see anything so I ran in the no-people zone to the side of the stage to get a closer picture of Tom & about 4 security guards escorted us back to the pit.
"FeeLinG ThiS.."

I wanted to see Mark Hoppus, not Travis or Tom & he was the furthest from us. Abbie got sucked into the mosh pit & couldn't get out. She got pushed into the front where a guy had to grab her arm to pull her out.

"i GUeSS THiS Is GrOWInG Up"

Alone & freaked for Abbie I recieved glares from blink fans I rammed into. Until FINALLY I was a few feet from MARK HOPPUS.

"MAKEDAMNSURE..that you won't ever leave, no you won't ever get to far from me."

I was stepped on & pushed around & stuck between a huge amazon girl on my left & a disgusting couple snogging on my right. As soon as the crowd smashed us again, I shoved my way through them & ended up closer. Travis Barker was suspended high above the stage playing the drums while rotating.

The night ended with confetti & "dammit". The perfect ending...

all of the above..

2009-09-03T13:53:00.000-07:00

"Tell me what do you see when you're looking at me?

On a mission to be what I'm destined to be..."

SISTER ADISON

It's official I started my mission papers August 2009.

500 Days of Summer

2009-09-01T19:09:00.000-07:00

After seeing the movie, "500 days of Summer," with my sisters, I started to think about my "summer."
"Into your head, into your mind, out of your soul race through your veins you can 't escape, you can't escape into your life into your dreams out of the dark is alot of guilt you can't explain. Can you feel it rushing through your head?"

DAY 1: Like the movie it showed the end at the beginning.

I knew it was the end before it happened. I was blessed to know I did my best at school & I had to accept that. I couldn't do anything to prevent the decisions I needed to make after I enjoyed this past summer. My life was forever changed in April when BYU ended for me. I have always known the mission decision would come & I would finally have to move forward with faith. As my summer continued I tried to hold on to it(summer) for as long as I could, but it was all in vain, because I saw the end first.

The hardest thing about serving a mission & making that decision is leaving behind my life. I never thought it would be this hard to do the Lord's will. I can see now how some see a mission as a break from life, in my case it's not a break, it's the biggest sacrafice. I feel guitly, because it's so hard, maybe too hard.

DAY 99: I talked to my Bishop about a mission & he gave me time to be completely sure about serving before the process began.

DAY 104: I gave the Bishop my answer; I'm SERVING a mission.

DAY 105: I announced it offically to everyone, including baseball boy.
DAY 115: I got my sister missionary account on LDS.org.

DAY 120: I got sick.

DAY 127: My swallowing foods problem started.

DAY 140: Got infected.

DAY 170: Finished mission papers.

DAY 177: Got treated.

DAY 182: Got food poisoning.

DAY 200: Stake Pres. put mission on hold.

DAY 223: Saw a specialist for my swallowing food problem.

DAY 231: Got a biopsy & endoscopy.

DAY 242: Got results, doctors can't figure out what's wrong.

DAY 258: More tests...

"don't let anyone tell you your life is over...be every color that you are. Into the rush now, you don't have to know how, know it all before you try."

Let's make a toast...

2009-08-27T20:47:00.000-07:00

29 reasons why I am making a toast to Bre on our birthday!

1. She's my best friend, worst enemy and older sister...all wrapped up in one.

2. She's gives me the better gift on our birthday.

3. She sometimes resembles Dora the explorer & a life-size barbie doll.

4. She's my personal stylist Rachael Zoe & has the crazy hair to prove it.

5. She makes me smarter by forcing me to play scabble & to watch jeopardy.

6. She loves drama...shows like Gossip Girls, The Hills, & Sex and the City & has more shoes than Carrie Bradshaw, more handbags than Lauren Conrad, and is the Queen Bee Blair Waldorf.

7. She is still in love with Chipper Jones & has been faithful to that obsessive love for 10 years!

8. She cleans a lot, especially after my messes.

9. She loves tanning & will climb on top of our roof just to catch some rays.

10. She puts up with & allows my best friend Seth to worship her.

11. She's so funny, just read her blog...& she's the only one who thinks I'm funny.

12. She's a graduated cougar, both educational wise & in dating.

13. She can pass as a New Yorker, a So Cal girl & a Flo Rida.

14. Like our mom has different laughs; she has different screeches.

15. She will forever use the words, "FREAKER & Ho-bag!"

16. She's the only one who I will listen to & actually do everything & anything she says.

17. She has the best Halloween costumes, like a crayon, pumpkin, and a christmas present (she's won numerous costume contests)

18. She got me addicted to Betsey, Juicy & Rock and Republics!

19. She is solely responsible for the well-dressed Adison family.

20. She lets me be her shadow & clone.

21. She can quote the following movies: Ladybugs, Mean Girls, Legally Blond, Clueless & THE OTHER SISTER.

22. She still paints her nails crazy colors despite CRAZY ladies sending her to get a nice manicure.

23. (Accessories Queen) SHE wears so MANY accessories, never leaving the house without a headband, necklace, belt & matching bag.

24. Speaking of bags, she's a bag lady...her bags are like Mary Poppins' bags, you can find anything you need in there.

25. She's also a J.Lo wedding planner & can plan a wedding with a two weeks notice.

26. She is secretly in love with the Clean Flicks guy, that's why we giggle every time we see him.

27. She is the most creative person I know, from scrapbooking to sewing...she'll just, "MAKE IT WORK!"

28. She encourages me to lose my VL & make-out & go on a mission at the same time!

29. She so graciously shares our AUGUST 28th birthday...

It's Page, not Paige, Arizona...

2009-08-15T20:51:00.000-07:00

ROADTRIP #3
THE REZ...

My last roadtrip of the summer, a quickie trip made for a quickie engagement. As the assistant to the wedding planner (my sister), I found myself declining baseball boy's invite to Zions & on the way to Page for Dezi's reception.

Without air conditioning & stopping for food, the only stop we made was at a vintage/junk store.

Arriving in Page we started searching for a Navajo Times (proof to our mother that we were on the Rez). We found a trading post where SURPRISINGLY they didn't stock them, but we did find one at a gas station.
Lunch with Dezi's family was fun. Then the newlyweds arrived & our work began. Cutting, folding, unraveling huge paper flowers...then I washed grapes & blueberries until my hands resembled raisons.

I couldn't help, but to think about all that I was missing on that Zion's trip. I wanted to go & planned on it way before baseball boy walked me home after our last game of tennis & asked me to go. As much as I didn't want it to my thoughts were there with him even when I was suppose to be getting over him. My only relief was something completely unexpected...

I was done helping so I took a quick nap. I woke up to some gun shots outside (Dezi's brothers were shooting some targets). I laid there for a minute. As I got up I was suprised, to see Dezi's brother in the process of getting ready for work...shirtless. Taken completely off guard, I didn't know what to do & feeling like an idiot & said, "Hey-ay." At that moment, I forgot about baseball boy & everything dealing with the baseball boy. I sat & chatted with this attractive shirtless native boy. As short lived as it was; I was stunned...it was the 1st time ever considered a Navajo boy. There's still hope for me! (FYI: Halves are always cute).

Bre & I were only in Page for a day, but it completely rocked my world.

"I took a chance. I took a shot. You might think I'm bullet proof, but I'm not"

Where in the world is Carmen San Diego?

2009-08-04T15:55:00.000-07:00

Summer Roadtrip # 2 (JUNE)

DESTINATION: SAN DIEGO

MY TRAVELING BESTIE: BRENNA

DRIVING 10 hours to celebrate the end of Justina's single life...sorry boys!

BRIDAL PARTY THEME SONG, "DON'T TRUST ME!" (don't trust the ho/don't trust me")
Dressing up, (LA HOIA) Sushi, Yogurt, Sleepover, & Confessions of a Shopaholic

RANDOM: HAIRCUT

Attempt to get over baseball boy. (month after getting my heart broken)

Roadtrip theme song: "Goodbye, got my haircut cuz it reminded me of you, I know you like the long do, had to switch my attitude."

After dying my hair back to black, baseball boy LOVED my long black hair!

The BEACH with Brenna & her HOT older brother!

LOVED singing along to Lil' Wanye songs.

SEA WORLD

I touched various endangered animals & predators! LOVED the fireworks!

I even risked my life by riding the water-rollar coster (3x)!

& flirted with the ride worker just to ride it 3 consecutive times.

& ending up looking like this....

I HEART BIFF! He was the funny performer doing the Single Ladies dance & jamming to N'sync!

MRS. Amerson!

We hit our 1st traffic jam on the way to the temple to see Justina & her HUSBAND to walk out of the temple married for forever!

The prettiest temple I've ever seen in my life! The real-life castle I dream to get married in.

WHERE IT ALL BEGAN...we ate at the resturant Rosy & Brenna worked together, thus I became Rosy's room-mate then met Brenna.

THE RECEPTION

Hands down, it was the nicest place I have ever been to. San Bernadino Country Club. Valet parking & everything...truffles anyone?

THE Happy COUPLE!

FASHIONABLY LATE...

ONLY DOWNER: I wasn't a bridesmaid!

Always a bridesmaid, NEVER a bride...ok, I wasn't even a bridesmaid, but I did travel the longest & furthest of her friends!

"Lucky, I'm in love with my best friend."

THE DANCE after....Justina's dance was fun, but Brenna's stake dance was freaking awesome! Brenna & I crashed an 80's theme Stake dance later that night! & I found the cutest boys to dance with.

BALBOA PARK

I loved walking around Balboa Park. The museums, street performers & the FLOWERS!

I loved how we'd over-hear random people loving my outfit.

NAVAL BASE: Embarassing moment, everywhere I go I always do something funny & strangers laugh at me.

We found our MEN!

I LOVE BASEBALL, but not BASEBALL BOYS....anymore.

MY FAVORITE PART! Brenna's little brother's band.

I loved their music & the show!

BUT...I mostly LOVED...

THE HOTT GUITAR PLAYER....

THE ONLY BOY I'd go to jail for! HAHAH...okay, I was mortified finding out he's 17 & in H.S.

Kind of dissed him when getting a picture with the band, he was about to put his arm around me, but I moved over.

We had our moments of staring at each other...

1st time I have considered myself a COUGAR!

DOWNTOWN SAN DIEGO

Driving around & checking out hot spots like where the Dashboard Confessional music video for, "Stolen" was filmed.

THE BYOB party w/a SAILOR

Being from UT...people would ALWAYS bring up MORMONS. BUT at this party, they were the nicest (& drunkest) people about it. & apoligized over & over for swearing & drinking. I spent 20 minutes talking to a drunk guy having the same conversation over & over. It was funny!

THE REWARD

The last thing I wanted to see was the temple at night. It was worth everything just to see this.

THE END

6 days of CALIFORNIA we returned from Brenna's hometown to my home state.
LOVES: Justina, Brenna, SD Temple, In-N-Out, Jail-bait guitar player, beach, dancing, Juicy charm, Betsey Johnson, 50 flirting techniques, Sea World fireworks, Balboa Park, downtown SD, Padre field, Naval base & cruising SD.

RANDOMNESS: Border patrol flirting with Brenna, HAIRCUT, while driving through UT.Guys holding up a sign, "Show us your boobs!" BYOB party, Mor-nija (what I was called bc I'm mormon)&(religious persecution), Justina's mom & purple nail-polish comment, NOT being a bridesmaid, Naked kid on the beach & the semi-scandelous institute dance.

I'm going to BOISE, Idaho...

2009-07-29T20:06:00.000-07:00

(Not on a mission) 1st road trip of the summer: BOISE, IDAHO.

My travel buddies: Scott, Scott's friend, & my bestie Brenna. Before you think we went for potatoes, our reason was the DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE concert.
I had never officially been to a concert (other than EC free country concerts & the state fair concerts) so I was so stoked to go to Death cab. A huge reason for going was to have one last adventure with Scott before he left for a REAL job in the REAL world of Kansas. As designated driver, Scott set up the whole thing, getting the tickets & finding us a place to stay since the concert was a Saturday night.

The weather was so ugly & rainy/cold...almost snowing, but as soon as we got to Idaho the sky cleared, it was still cold, but the sky was blue. We stopped at the most random hick-town gas station to eat called, "The Garden of Eden," Complete irony being the middle of no where at a gas station with folks talking about hunting and shooting things. After the 4 hour drive, we made it to BOISE, thanks to Scott's GPS. We even had time to spare to "change into our concert clothes." Brenna even pouffed up my hair!

We got there early, in search of the entrance with other fans. We got there & we ALL bought the same exact shirt. We were standing in line behind some cute Idaho-ian boys chatted about their LDS missions. Brenna & I stalked them for a while, but I was too chicken to converse with them. The CONCERT was AMAZING! They played all of my favorites & luckily Scott played ALL the Cd's on the ride there so I knew more than a few songs. There were solos & cute indie rock guys. The whole time we stood & I jammed out dancing.

BUT the greatest SURPRISE of the night was when they played, "The Sound of Settling!" An old song which depicts my recent dating life.

From Idaho, breezy sunny weather, we returned to UT the next day to a blizzard...

*Kudos to Brenna, she didn't know it was an over-nighter in Boise.

DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE:

"I will follow you into the dark"

"Crooked teeth"

"I will possess your heart"

"When soul meets body"

"The Sound of Settling"

(New Moon soundtrack song, "Meet me on the Equinox."

Love means NOTHING...

2009-07-17T18:28:00.000-07:00

Player: Adison

Stats Record: EHS JV team, (BYU RM dater)
Description: decent, but doesn't practice
Objective: To win
Summary: HATES losing, so she's still playing

My opponent: baseball boy

Stats Record: No STATS available (BYU/RM Rookie dater)
Description: good, but doesn't use a strategy.
Objective: To hit the ball back into my court.
Summary: Still playing cause I'm still playing

It didn't occur to me until we started playing tennis that our relationship was exactly like the match we were playing. Unpredictable & tiring.

I'll admit, I was on the EHS JV tennis team 6 yrs ago. I picked up my racket at another chance to prove myself & to work on my swing.

In the game of tennis, there are servers and recievers. It can last a long time depending on the players. Love, 15, 30, 40, game point. Zero is actually called love. For beginners, consistency & the more patient player tends to win.

In singles is played between 2 players with smaller boundaries than doubles.

ADISON vs. Baseball boy

To wake up at 5 then play tennis at 7:30 am; I must really I like him.

Game History: This game can only be described as a long & tiring, full of ups & downs. There's no telling when this game will end, but it's getting old. The relationship game started back in January when baseball boy brought himself into the game by asking me on a date. With months of him serving, he abuptly stopped when I didn't want to play. He started hitting aces at me, which hurt my ego. I started hitting back, then it was my turn to play alone. With the game going on for months, I seemed to be taking the lead, but both of us were stuck. DEUCE, (40-all) but to get out of it a player has to win the next 2 points. Things have taken a turn for the worse, injury, but baseball boy seems to be wounded too.

After a grueling hour & a half of playing a tennis game, I concluded that there's a reason why I stopped playing. It's painful. I got a call from him expecting a rematch, after being sore & hurt from the prior tennis match. I declined. I decided it wasn't worth the pain & humilation. I tried & now I'm tired & injured. I'm sure this game of hitting the ball into his court could continue for another set, but I'm done for now.

Like our relationship game, I'm through be played.

Matchpoint: GAME OVER!

"All I ever wanted was a simple way to get over you."

LiFe iS beaUtiFuL...

2009-07-06T21:00:00.000-07:00

After 21 years of wonderfully painful experiences I felt that I need to get a new hobby and document my life. This only happens after my 4 years of attending Brigham Young University. A whirlwind of struggles & realizing life passes in a blink of an eye. I've survived numerous broken hearts & a lot more heartbreaking then some people, but I am still hopeful for the future. As a BYU student, from being on warning, probation & suspended twice to academically dismissed for the next two years of my life I've since realized I haven't learned anything academically, but I've learned some tough life lessons. I've met so many different kinds of people; I was there to influence & to be influenced. I've been hated & loved. I've learned of God's infinite love for me as well as others. It's taken me years of counseling and tears to come to the happiness I've felt. I love my life, if life was easy it would be incredibly boring. I know things happen for a reason. For me, BYU was the biggest blessing and self-inflicted trial I have ever experienced. Normally, people come out with a MRS. degree, but I can't explain why I spent so many years at BYU without getting a degree or a husband.

(2 months later)....I now know why I am at this point. Why my time at BYU is over. I was meant to do something greater & harder, something that most people never get the chance to do. I am to do the Lord's work, to serve him for 18 months sacraficing the life that I love. To influence & to be influenced is my mission.

"Life is beautiful, but it's complicated. There are miracles. We let all these moments pass us by..."

I'M ON A BOAT!

2009-06-22T22:54:00.000-07:00

"You should just try it. It's not that cold. I'll do it with you!" One would think I would need more of an argument to strip down to my bra & underwear and jump off a small boat into the freezing water at Millsite.

My moment of insanity happened when he took my hand & we jumped.

Another Friday night at home w/my parents watching another random movie that dad picked out from Variety Video. Receiving a text from Weston hours beforehand, I decided to actually hangout w/him. After the annoying game of phone tag, he came in his red jeep. Since our days at SRJH, the adventures of Sponge bob (Weston) & Patrick Star (me) included: going on lots of "unofficial dates," going to Prom together then saying goodbye for 2 years while he served an LDS mission.

At the infamous Grants I learned (to my surprise) we were going to a Millsite bomb fire, which I'd never condescend to attend & Weston never would have even been invited to while in High School. Promising Weston that I would be his wing man, as the night progressed I realized how degrading it is to go from unattainable girl he crushed on to wing man. So I jumped at the first chance to get away from Weston's womanizing ways to go trolling. (In Emery, it's no surprise that trolling is something people would do) "Trolling" for those like me who wouldn't know what it is, is casting a fishing line while out on a boat then cruise around WAITING for fish to take the bait & bite. Dane, Landon, Chad & I trolled & it was pretty useless, not catching or seeing any fish in the dark. Apparently, all of them have caught fish every single time they had trolled. Dane, the driver of the boat, stopped & started to ramble about skinny dipping. Completely, unaware of how serious he was. I was so annoyed that he was still talking. I reassured him that all of us there wouldn't look if he jumped in. Thankfully, he kept his briefs on. I was in an awkward spot being the closest to him. I didn't look at him! Even though it was dark & it took him FOREVER to jump, I was fascinated by the turn of events. I had to encourage him to jump in so he would be in the water instead of a few feet away from me. As he jumped he received applause & cheers from his fellow passengers. Turning back around as Dane skillfully & smoothly climbed back into the boat.

"It's not that cold, you guys should try it!" Landon & Chad both quickly denied Dane's invite. As for me, I couldn't believe he actually did it. Amazed at the stupidity of his actions, I hesitated answering. I couldn't comprehend what had happened. I actually envied him for a split second. Then I started to think, if Dane did it I could do it! Having this constant obsession to outdo people, I shouted, "I have been so sheltered," as I took off my wrapped tied wedges. Stunned, all of the boys, who looked away when Dane took off his clothes & jumped in, stared at me in astonishment. The hardest moment for me was not jumping in, but the seconds before removing my well-thought out outfit. It's just like having a swimming suit on & it's dark, I told myself. I stood there looking into the water deciding if I wanted to get wet and be cold the whole night. Landon assured me that I could use his jacket if worse came to worse.

"I'm not cold anymore. I'll even jump with you!" Dane said, as he grabbed my hand. Once I make up my mind there's no turning back. Dane counted it off "1, 2, 3!" I stepped back pulling him back with my hand. "Wait, okay, go!" "1, 2, 3!" There I was in my underwear, holding Dane's hand (still wet and in his underwear) as I jumped off a boat into the freezing lake with an audience of 2 Emery boys watching. The chill of water, sent shivers up my spine. The biggest rush I had ever felt. Screaming as I swam up for air, the echoes of my accomplishment was heard by Weston as well as the other Emery kids warm by the fire. I couldn't believe I did it. Dane quickly got back into the boat as all three boys got up to help me back in which is harder then what Dane made it look like. I scraped my knee and bruised my other leg as I was pulled back into the boat. As we put our clothes back on, I felt a sense of connectedness. Before, I had never would have guessed I would have shared a liberating experience with him. Dane overwhelmed me w/high fives & his admiration. I felt I conquered the world, well at least Emery County. A part of me wanted to crush those BYU jokes and comments made earlier by everyone there.

As soon as I got back to land consequences caught up to me. I chugged down a whole can of mountain dew*when I drink mountain dew crazy things happen. Not my choice of drink, but it always is w/Weston. I had the worse stomach ache of my life. It was so painful, not only enduring the rest of the hicks sharing their stories around the bomb fire, but having to listen to Weston trying to pick up on a girl. For about 2 hours I sat there unable to move to leave or get away from Weston. More and more super super seniors came & finally about 12:30pm people decided to leave. 8 of us got on to that same boat almost sinking it. Thankfully, Weston journeyed through the dark to grab his jacket for me, because I was all wet. Sitting next to a boy nicknamed Red (for redneck) I watched Weston guide our boat safely all the way back to the other end of the lake. If it couldn't get any worse I endured a car ride w/that girl & her cousin, HE DIDN'T even ask her out! I suffered, trying to be a good wing man letting him talk his next victim around the campfire as I was dying from caffeine. To make it up to me, Weston played & sang some Taylor Swift songs that can be described as painful making me laugh hurting my stomach more. As we arrived to my house, all I wanted to do was to run into my house and chug some alca seltzer. Always the gentleman, he made me wait so he could open my door. I had never gotten into my house so fast closing the door as I heard Weston, apologizing & telling me to call him tomorrow. Truthfully, only w/Weston do random things happen...

"Take this moment capture it, remember it. I don't know how it gets better than this, take my hand & drag me head first FEARLESS!"-Taylor Swift